Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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