I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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