They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
