I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
