I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
