worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
