i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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