Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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