oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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