so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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