I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize