So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
