dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize