What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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