I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
