i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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