I am in a vortex of obligation.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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