Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Dignity is for republicans.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
