I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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