Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
