Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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