I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
