fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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