I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
