Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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