barbara walters just said penis...
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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