My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
