How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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