Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My bed smells like the plague
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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