I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
