sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
