My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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