There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
