My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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