On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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