just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
