I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
