I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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