i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
