totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
