Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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