Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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