u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
