I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
