I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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