You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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