people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
