why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
