Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
