Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
