we made out on top of his cat.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
