i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
