After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We need to rekindle our bromance
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
