i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
