Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I will pee on everything he values.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
