we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
